Making space for grief was not part of the plan. Watching grief bump up against my ordinary life was not the way I thought it would go.
Grief is messy, hard, and never quite leaves once it takes root. When grief settles in and takes hold, your life changes in ways that you never expected.
Deep losses mark who I am. Scars remain from the deep roots of grieving and working toward healing. Transformation comes, but only after digging deep into the many questions you face at the loss of a loved one.
I am in the process of reliving my many losses. I am seeking a deeper understanding of how grief affects not only me, but others. This journey will help me as I sit with other women who have experienced loss.
Living Through Loss
In the moment of final separation from your loved one, grief feels permanent. Visualizing the next day without your loved one may even feel impossible. Making space for grief in that moment is only possible because you have people around you offering support and prayers. But what happens after the first or second week when all of the well-meaning people are no longer around? What will life look like then and how will you move forward?
I remember writing my mom’s eulogy and including a call to not forget the family that suffered the loss. Stay in touch, check in, or offer to just listen. The reality after giving the eulogy is that most people did not stay in touch and loneliness was the byproduct. Our culture celebrates getting over grief quickly. Two weeks feels reasonable, right? There is no timeline for how long to grieve and it is a disservice to expect that within a specific amount of days or months, you can move on.
Living through loss is exactly what it sounds like. It is a journey of learning how to live without your loved one, resuming your routines, and identifying the emotions that you are feeling. When we name the emotions and areas that become strongholds after a loss, we gain perspective and the capacity to move through what feels so devastating in the moment.
Remember there is no exact timeline and that is okay.
The Other Side of Loss
Loss stirs up emotions that we never thought to use to describe how we react to something. In my digging, I named anger and those who know me would never use that emotion in the same sentence with my name. It was a revelation that didn’t sit very well with me. But I allowed myself to name the anger and understand why it even rose to the surface.
I can safely share that I am on the other side of loss. I did the work years ago and realized recently that I had not worked through the loss of my mom completely. Life kept going and it ended up spiraling me into deep anxiety–panic attacks and all. Sitting with a group of women these last six weeks has been the best gift in my grief journey. Making space for grief has led me to knowing myself better and how the relationships of my loved ones, who have passed, direct us even in our grief.
God grieves with us. He walks with us. God loves us through to the other side of loss.
How Do We Make Space for Grief?
In our grief, Jesus weeps with us (John 11:35). He feels what we feel and carries the emotions that weigh us down. Jesus wants nothing more than for each of us to release the swirling emotions and strongholds that come many times as a byproduct of loss. Trust me, when I say I am releasing often and asking forgiveness for picking up the very thing I just laid down.
God does not willingly cause us grief. He is the One who makes space for us to lay it all out and try to make sense of it. Let’s turn to God in our loss knowing that we cannot walk through it alone.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.
For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to anyone. Lamentations 3:32-33
I am learning again eight years after my mom passed that processing grief is good, hard, and sacred. But processing by myself keeps me stuck in a narrative that doesn’t lead to healing. What if you chose community to walk with you in this journey that you didn’t plan and never wished for?
Making space for grief is a gift from God and for yourself. The passage from grief to healing is timeless, unique to who you are, and a doorway from grief into a newly created life that is even more beautiful. Making Space for Grief Share on XLet’s celebrate grief and remember it is not the end, but a beautiful beginning.
Empowering women to walk in brave faith one heart at a time!
Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash
Writing about grief today was prompted by the work I am doing to prepare to work with women in grief recovery. I also am deeply affected by the shootings in Uvalde, Texas and the continued shootings that are occurring across the country.
I hope you will join me in prayer for the loss suffered by many and the division that is tearing us apart.
i’ve been making space for grief for about 8 years. i have said good-bye to 6 people i love and in the process learned that grieving as you go lessens the burden of carrying it all inside.
when my mom finally crosses heaven’s threshold, and it could be any moment now, i know my grieving will not have been in vain. i hope i’ll be ready to celebrate her long-awaited Homegoing.
thanks for this, Mary …
I remember some of the grief and loss you went through because our lives had parallel similarities for awhile. You taught me about grieving as you go and I am so thankful. I learned recently that when my mom passed in 2014, I didn’t take the time to grieve her because I moved into caring for my dad at that time.
I am praying for you as you grieve your mom and eventually say “goodbye.” Love you.
Mary thank you for sharing about making space for grief. It really is difficult at times, isn’t it? I never looked at it that way. Thank you for your insights and encouragement within, and for causing me to pause and reflect on making space.
Visiting today from Tell His Story #20
Thank you for stopping by, Paula. Grief is ongoing and can be very difficult. I loved sharing some of my thoughts on grief.
“God loves us through to the other side of loss.” This is such a beautiful post, Mary. Thank you for sharing and for giving us a nudge to remember those whose loss may not be fresh but is still filled with pain. ❤️ Stopping by from #instaencouragements
Laura,
It’s so lovely to see you. Thank you for these sweet words. I’m learning so much from being in community with a group of ladies to dive deeper into grief and loss.
I need to find out what to try,
for surely there are ways
that I may safely learn to cry
for my dwindling days.
Up to now it’s been a party,
guest of honour at my wake,
cracking jokes, all bluff and hearty,
but now it’s getting hard to take,
for I can see the valley’s edge
wherein shadow lies,
and though my heart doth know the pledge
God gave me, still, my eyes
see the coming fall of night,
and I am just so sick with fright.
Hi Andrew!
Thank you for stopping by and commenting. May you continue to see God in the details of each day.
Someone pointed out once that the 3rd month after someone’s death is the hardest because that’s when people stop calling, stop checking up on you – so I try to remember to press in, to remember, to stop by or call at that 3rd month. Then you talked about the anger – and that made me think of another kind of grief – the grief of relationships that should have been – and how I had to grieve the lack of a relationship with a father who walked away. I think God had been waiting for me to be honest with Him about how I felt – and that before I could heal, I had to 1) grieve 2) release the anger – and that meant lance it, let it flow out of my soul – and then I could forgive – and only then could God rebuild the broken place in me. People shy away from being “angry” – but sometimes I think God needs us to face up to how we really feel inside – to be honest with Him. You’ve really hit on some very important points to not only better help ourselves but help others!
You share some important parts of grief and the process of being able to move forward.
I tend to steer myself away from anger in almost every circumstance. I surprised myself when I felt anger after my mom passed. You’re right in saying that God needs us to feel the emotions and name them so we can allow God to rebuild the broken pieces of our hearts.
I appreciate your words and time in stopping by here today.
Yes–so much truth here. My mom passed away 17 1/2 years ago. Though the grief is not constant now, it can still hit me in waves at times. There is no expiration date on grief until we join our loves ones in heaven. We need God’s grace all the time.
You say it well–there is no expiration on grief until we join our loved ones in heaven. Thank you for leaving a commenting. It’s good to see you.
Mary, this was so beautiful. After losing my brother-in-law unexpectedly last year, and my mother-in-law, it’s been interesting processing those losses. I have had the privilege of trying to stay connected with my sister-in-law. And having another important person in our lives die unexpectedly last fall, I’ve walked through some of the grieving process with the surviving spouse. Everyone does indeed process loss in their own way and time. Thanks for the encouragement to NOT put a timeline on the grieving process.
I know you have experienced many losses recently and my prayers are with you. It is also a gift to be the person who walks along someone who is grieving. I know they appreciate it and benefit from your encouragement and listening ear.
Mary, Some losses cut deeper than others. My friend Rhonda Robinson, who lost her teenaged son in a tragic car wreck, wrote a great book on her grief called Free Fall. She talks about how her grief reminds her of her love. The pain of her loss reminds her of the value of his life. It is an excellent resource for those processing their grief a while after their loss.
This is beautiful Debbie. I bet Free Fall is an amazing book. It helps me to reframe grief by thinking of the value of the life that I lost. Such a great perspective.
Thank you for writing this. Grief can take so many forms. Death, loss of a dream, extreme disappointments. When my special needs daughter started Jr. High I got really depressed that she was entering adolescence and it wasn’t a normal adolescence. I realized that I needed some help grieving the loss of dreams all parents have for their kids. When my bonus son chose an alternative lifestyle I grieved the loss of God’s design for family and the life His kids would lead. Both times I sought out a counselor. I could go on. But the important thing that you have highlighted is we have to process and let ourselves feel to heal.
Processing grief is necessary. I learned the hard way because my body was keeping the score. I ended up with physical and emotional problems until I went to a counselor to get the help I needed. Thank you for sharing a part of your journey.
I appreciate your post today. I seem to be on a journey of dealing with grief that I didn’t realize that I still had not fully processed.
Visiting from #TellHisStory
Thank you for being here. I love knowing I am not alone on my own grief journey. I pray you give yourself the space and time to grieve your unprocessed loss.
I am always mystified by those who put a deadline on other people’s grief process. Some people we just never stop missing!
This is so true. I will never stop missing my parents and that is okay. Thank you for being here.