Winter’s milky sunlight weakly made its way through the sliding doors. My spot on the couch, usually bathed in sunlight, felt chilled and distant today. Memories pricked the surface of my mind and reality took over my thoughts and feelings.
The milky sunlight matched the memories fading in and out as I found myself in the space in the middle. I’m caught somewhere between snapshots that are vivid and photos that are yellowing and curling at the corners. I recall what this day means and hold onto how it makes me feel. I want to treasure each feeling and give it a name, but sometimes we are in between until loss connects with our grief. The milky sunlight has it right as it tries its best to show off brightly, but somehow needs a push to break through the clouds.
[Tweet “The space in the middle houses your memories and is where God helps you move forward.”]
I am celebrating an anniversary of sorts. One of a parent who is no longer present but one where emptiness has filled the space left behind. As I woke up the other day, I immediately felt the loss all over again. I left the warmth of my bed feeling that I needed to grab hold of every snippet of my mom that I could recall. In that moment, I believed that not remembering specific details about my mom meant I would soon lose her completely. I struggled with this notion and realized that the space in the middle housed all my memories, but God needs time to show you the way forward again.
I am not writing this today for sympathy or to make you feel sorry for me. Instead, I want to help you understand and encourage you in this thing called grief. A piece of you is missing and that space will always feel empty. My family and I are learning how grief needs time to catch up and connect you to the One who carries your tears and heartaches. We are in this space in the middle as the loss of our mom now helps us to understand the loss of our dad. The connection of present time with memories of lives well-lived softens the heartache that could consume us.
I wrote last week in more detail about “middle” and want to expand on the lessons I am learning as well as leave you with encouragement. What I know is that being in the middle is exactly where I need to be and that is okay because God is sitting here with me. Click here to read my Five Minute Friday post in full.
The space in the middle teaches me that…
There is beauty in grief when God helps you carry your brokenness
Sitting in this space allows me to feel all the feels without outside judgment
Hope is found when you see your legacy as a continuation of what your parents began in you. As my pastor said, I am the floor to my parents ceiling. What they began is now mine to grow forward to my sons.
When I find myself hanging in the in between, I work to continually invite God to sit with me. Hanging out here alone and believing I can figure it out by myself removes what I need the most- the One who loves me without end.
Even in laughter the heart may ache,
and rejoicing may end in grief. Proverbs 14:13
Dear Reader,
If you find yourself facing loss, doubt, or a time of waiting that causes you to hang in the in between, know that God is always with you. He never stops loving or working behind the scenes of your life. God takes your brokenness and gently loves you into wholeness. Finally, know that you are not alone on this journey. Please let me know how I can pray for you in the comments.
With love,
Linking today with:
and Dawn for Grace Moments
Your eloquent post about the difficulties of grieving the loss of your parents touched me deeply, as just a couple of weeks ago my husband’s father passed, somewhat unexpectedly, and it took us all by surprise. I still have my parents, and feel so thankful for their presence. Once again I am reminded to enjoy every precious moment that we have with our loved ones. Praying for you that the Lord will comfort and help you through this difficult anniversary of your mother’s passing, with a special presence of the Lord to comfort you. Hugs to you today 🙂
So beautifully written. I am sorry for your loss, even though I know some time has passed, but as you have stated it still takes time to process and to grief. That line that your pastor said about being the floor to their ceiling, wow, I had to really think about that and what it means for me, and for my children! Very touching.
Yes the loss of my mom bumped into the current grief over my dad due to the anniversary of her passing last week. It will always be there to some extent but I am who I am because of my parents. That is the gift of legacy that I am honored to carry forward and grow for my own sons. It’s a lot to think about but it’s thinking how you can live your life well. Thank you for blessing me by sitting here with me for a bit today.
Such a beautiful offering again Mary. As I am faced with the decline in my mother’s health, I know that day will come when I am caught in the middle of my own grief over such a loss. Thank you for processing your feelings here and continuing to meet us in the middle of our own grief and hardships.
Thank you Barbie! I am blessed that you and others are willing to spend time here as I process my grief. I know that this community makes me stronger. I am praying for you and your mom. This new road is one that you will need to invite God to walk with you over and over. Love you!
I really liked the part about what your parents gave you pass forward to your kids. Some things are good, some things I am working on to break the cycle. I love how you expanded your five minute friday.
Thank you Amanda! I knew when I wrote for FMF that what I needed to say was not finished yet. I am blessed that you joined me both times to send me some writing love. Blessings on your week.
Hi Mary!
Your words describe the feelings of grief so very well and remind me of a year awhile ago when each of my parents went home to be with the Lord exactly three months apart. Thanks for sharing these poignant words. So nice to be visiting you today as your neighbor at Messy Marriage and fellow Buckeye (Massillon, OH). Blessings and grace to you!
I can’t imagine losing both parents in a three month period. I know that your new normal had to have been filled with some shock along with the grief. Thank you for encouraging me today. Go Buckeyes!!!
What a beautiful way to look at that “middle” time in grief, Mary. It’s often viewed as a nuisance rather than a time to grow and deepen our roots into who God is making us to be. I love what your pastor said to you about your parents and your own parental influence. That’s a great way to look at it. Thanks for encouraging us because we all have many “middles” to walk through in life.
Yes life has us sitting in the middle over and over and it is not just because of loss. My pastor is wise in helping me to see how their legacy is mine and I have the honor of carrying it forward. I pray we all feel God in our middles and let Him carry us through to the other side. Blessed by you being here today.
I love your tribute to Emmanuel here Mary! I am so sorry you are experiencing grief right now, but our God is so good to be with us in the middle of our brokenness. He makes all things new again. Praying you cling tightly to the good memories and let any of the bad ones go. Big hugs to you! xoxo
God is the maker of all new things and this will be redeemed by HIs precious grace. It is okay to be in this place. It’s reminding myself to give myself the grace to take the time I need. I am clinging to beautiful memories. Thank you for the blessing of your prayers.
THIS: “There is beauty in grief when God helps you carry your brokenness.” Grief is a hard thing, but so much a natural part of life. Have you ever read or heard of the children’s book “Tear Soup?” It does a great job of explaining grief.
I have not heard of the children’s book Tear Soup but I’m going to have to check into it. Thank you for the resource. Grief is very hard and is such a process. I now need to give myself grace and go through the process with moments of not being okay. I appreciate you friend!
Hugs, Mary. Thanks for sharing about your space in the middle. This helps me understand my mom who has recently lost hers. I pray the God of all Comfort would walk you tenderly through this season.
I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I do understand what your mom is going through. Sometimes we want to talk about it with our kids and other times we don’t. Give your mom a lot of grace and know that a piece of her is always missing and that is hard. Thank you for being here and sharing prayers. I am blessed.
May we all learn to grieve by carrying our burdens to the only one who can heal our brokenness and show us what to do with our feelings. You’re right, though, sometimes he asks us to just sit in the middle and let him help us sort everything out–it isn’t an instant occurrence–it’s a journey that seems as if it has no movement…yet the movement is there.
The journey does feel like standing still even though everything else is moving around you. You describe it well. The middle place is really an okay place to be and right now it’s where I need to be. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Mary, what beautiful, powerful words. I haven’t yet gone down the path of the loss of one/two parents. I know it’s coming, but I so appreciate your words as you share about your grief and how you’re getting through it.
You’re so right. We cannot really figure out how to get through the hard seasons alone. I’m so glad God is there to walk with us and guide us through those times in our lives.
Thank you for sharing so transparently, my friend. Your words touched my heart.
Grief is messy and hard and different for each of us. All I know is that I cannot do it without God and friends and family who let me be sad if I need to be. God is good to always provide and never leave our sides. When we don’t sense God, we need to invite Him back in to sit and struggle with us.
I seem to have the need to share very openly recently. It helps me process and heal. Thank you for being so understanding.
I’m so sorry for the loss of both your parents, Mary. You have helped me look at grief in a new way this past year. That there is actually beauty in it when God helps us carry our brokenness. I find this truth so powerful – that “grief needs time to catch up and connect you to the One who carries your tears and heartaches.” May God carry you in this time of grieving! Love and hugs!
Thank you for caring so deeply. There is beauty in grief but it is not always evident as you are going through it. I think we if find ourselves in this middle space and allow for God to comfort and teach us we can learn how feeling grief deeply can move us forward again.
God is carrying me and I am grateful for your soothing words. Love you!
Grief is definitely a strange creature, crawling in when we least expect it and roaring loudly when we do. Praying for you as you grieve your losses. It’s never easy.
Thank you for the truth about grief. It is never easy. I cherish your prayers and brief time you sat here with me today. Blessings!
This is lovely, Mary. The middle is not an easy place to be, but I agree, sometimes rather than trying to rush through it we just have to sit there and acknowledge our feelings and allow God to come and meet us there. Blessings to you!
Yes and it is okay to sit in this place with God. I know that God does not want us to stay in the middle but we need to allow ourselves time to understand and grieve. I always love when you stop by. Thank you Lesley.
Wonderfully encouraging post, Mary. I will hold these words close as the 3-year anniversary of my dad’s death approaches in just a couple of weeks. Thank you for sharing, friend. Love you.
I pray these words help you in some way in your own journey. The loss is always there because a piece of you is missing. Praying that you feel God’s comfort and presence as you traverse these uncertain waters. Love you friend!
“As my pastor said, I am the floor to my parents ceiling.” That is such a great line of comfort and hope, and purpose too. Grief is something God has equipped us to flow through, when we reach out to Him and understand His love for us. What a beautiful letter to readers giving hope to many who are experiencing grief. You point to who God is–always with us loving and comforting.
Thank you Lynn! Grief is a process and one that is different for each person. You are right in saying that God equips us to flow through the grief when we invite Him to traverse the brokenness with us. I am glad you saw my heart in this post. Blessings on your week.
Beautiful post full of compassion, Mary. I am sorry for the earthly loss of your mother. That void is hard. My own father passed 15 months ago, and it took an act of God – literally – to comfort me. But He did, and in a marvelous way. I love that He’s willing, available, and able. I also love that you’ve shared that here today, amid your own middle space. Visiting via #testimonyTuesday. Thanks also for the visits to my blog. xo
Both of my parents are now gone and when the anniversary of one bumps into the grief of the other it leaves you in a space that you are unfamiliar with. I feel like I am hanging out in the middle and not always sure how to navigate the newness. The blessing is that God is with me in this space.
I am sorry about your dad and know how difficult it is to lose a parent. The in between is made better by God and is not a place that He wants us to stay. Thank you for stopping by.
I appreciate your sharing these very real feelings — it’s amazing how grief cycles through our days, catching us when we least expect it. So thankful that God is willing to sit with us in our loss, and the same God will be there when rejoicing begins again — even if we are different on the far side of the grief, He is the same.
Thank you for being willing to sit here with me for a bit. I know this post is similar to my FMF post but God was urging me to share more. It is so real right now and I need to sit here so I can let God work more deeply in me. It is a good place to be because I am allowing myself the time to grieve which I didn’t so so well when my mom passed.