Today my good friend, Holly Solomon joins us on the blog. I was downright giddy when she agreed to come out of writing retirement to grace us all with her words. Enneagram Eights are not always everyone’s favorites, but I can tell you without a doubt that this Eight is my favorite. Enjoy Holly’s words and leave her some love in the comments.
The last week of my life is one that I knew was coming but also one for which you will never be adequately prepared. My mother had been ill for several months, but not to the point we thought her life was threatened. And then came the news from the surgeon that there was nothing more to be done for her, and the final week of her life was over in just a few breaths. There was nothing I could do for her except arrange the care she needed to be comfortable, stand by her bedside, hold her hand, and encourage her to go into the arms of Jesus. After several days of seeing others in her room who had passed on before, as well as angels flying around the ceiling of her bedroom, she told us it was beautiful there and breathed her last on February 19 at 9:50 p.m.
What does an Enneagram 8 do when they can’t be in control?
The Enneagram 8 is known as The Challenger. We can be self-confident, decisive, willful, and confrontational. Our greatest fear is being harmed or controlled by other people. Our greatest desire is to be in control of our own lives. We want to be self-reliant, strong, important, and in control of every situation we find ourselves.1
So I stood by my mother’s bed, and my eight-ness went into overdrive. Give me an emergency, any emergency, and I’ll know exactly what to do. I can approach that situation with calm assuredness and decisive action. I may fall apart afterward, but in the moment, I’m your girl!
Misunderstanding an Enneagram 8
The difficult part for an Enneagram 8 is that we are often misunderstood. Rather than being seen as confident, assertive, and willing to make tough decisions, we are often mistaken as abrasive, aggressive, and bossy. Enneagram 8s “go about their business with a steely determination that can be awe-inspiring, even intimidating to others.”1
This determination can lead to problems in an 8’s life. I’ve been called on the carpet by supervisors in the past for the way I’m being perceived by my co-workers. Since I don’t feel I am responsible for others’ perceptions, this has been difficult for me to reconcile and change. I’ve had to learn how to give others room to share their thoughts and opinions, to contribute to the discussion or decision at hand, and to be a part of the team.
Additionally, many people think 8s are unfeeling, unemotional, or uncaring. In actuality, nothing could be further from the truth. Eights generally feel things just as deeply as others. We just don’t want you to know that we do! We can be deeply wounded and never allow you to see that side of us because then you would have some control over us.
Encouragement from Scripture for the Enneagram 8
I like to think about who of our Biblical heroes might have been Enneagram 8s. I think about Miriam, who had a plan for taking care of baby Moses. Or John the Baptist, who didn’t shy away from telling the truth about the coming Messiah. And then there’s Peter, who rushed to our Savior’s defense in the Garden. These characters exhibit the positive side of being an 8 – they were solution-focused, truth-telling protectors. And that’s what I want to be known for in my eight-ness.
There are also reminders that I need from scripture. I need the reminder that I’m not alone, that I don’t have to figure everything out for myself, and that I’m not the actual protector of everything in the world. I daily need the reminder that I’m not in this fight alone and that I don’t have to be controlled by my emotions but can still be compelled by our Savior.
“But you will not leave in haste or go in flight; for the Lord will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard.” Isaiah 52:12
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
“For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died.” 2 Corinthians 5:14
So What Does an Enneagram 8 Do When They Can’t Be in Control?
When Enneagram 8s are healthy and moving in the direction of integration (growth), we learn how to let go of our need to be in control. At our best, we can surrender ourselves to a higher authority (whether that’s God or our boss) and we can do it without fear of being controlled. When we are fully integrated, we become courageous, visionary, and influential.2
The following things help me to keep that eight-ness reigned in so that I can be my best:
Take a deep breath. I have to be self-aware enough to know when I’m getting anxious about control. And when that happens, I have to stop and take a breath. Sometimes it’s just a beat to remind myself that all is not lost and I don’t have to go towards the unhealthy side of being an 8.
Submit to accountability. There are people in my life who are willing to call me out on my eight-ness. They do it with love and laughs, reminding me that I don’t have to do it all and be it all, all the time!
Recognize and encourage others to live into their gifts. It has been a gift to me to begin to recognize the gifts of others. Truly listening to another person is a gift I want to give to all those I come into contact with, and when I listen well, I’m able to step back and let others contribute. It’s amazing what I learn when I do!
Enneagram Eights need the reminder they are not in the fight alone or controlled by their emotions, but can still be compelled by the Savior. #EnneaWhat #enneagramseries #TellHisStory #linkup @hollysolomontoo Click To TweetThat’s it in a nutshell…breathe, submit, and encourage. Here’s to all the 8s in the world! May we all breathe, submit, and encourage.
1https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-8
2https://saturatetheworld.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/Enneagram-Spiritual-Formation-Plan.pdf
**As always, I loved Holly’s words. She led the way for me when I began my own writing foray into the online world. Join me here next week, as I welcome Lynn Simpson, Keeping it Real, as she shares what life is like as an Enneagram Seven.
Holly Solomon is a Jesus-girl, mom and grandmother, a self-published author with her mother, an ordained pastor, and a lapsed blogger and podcaster. She serves as the Director of Communications for Crossnore School & Children’s Home in North Carolina. A lover of words and fond of saying “words matter,” Holly writes daily sharing the stories of the children served by Crossnore. You can read some of her past writings at hollysolomon.org and find Holly’s and Rachel’s Bible study books, Gray Hair Talking: Some Lessons I’m Learning as My Hair is Turning and Gray Hair Talking: Lessons on Living in Grace on Amazon.
Holly,
I can see why, in the world as it is today, we need #8’s to step up and take charge. I wish I had more of those traits. Thanks for sharing the softer side of 8’s and I am lifting you in prayer as you grieve your mother’s passing. “I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you.” John 18:14. Praying for God’s comfort to surround you. Miss you in the blogosphere!
Blessings,
Bev xx
I am so enjoying this series.
Thank you for this enlightening view of 8s, Holly. I love this series, Mary. It helps us to understand other personalities so much better, even when I haven’t truly figured out my own. Love and blessings to both of you!
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom, Holly. May God give you strength for each day! (Sorry I forgot to add this before I clicked.)
Holly, I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. I am sending prayers for comfort.
I loved reading about Enneagram 8’s. However, I must admit each week I see a little of me in each Enneagram. I am so confused. I better look into this a little more.
I serve on a church board with a #8, and most of the time it is comforting. There are other members who do not find it comforting! I just consider it a gift when someone knows what to do.
Thanks Jerralea! I’m sure your 8 is grateful for your acceptance!
Holly has been missed in the blogosphere!!! So good to read her words today. And, what a great job she did on E8!
Thanks Susan! I’ve missed you too!
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother, Holly. Sending prayers your way.
I never thought before about Miriam or John the Baptist as being Enneagram 8s but it makes complete sense now that I think about it.
Thanks for making me thing this morning!
Hi Laurie. Thanks for the prayers. While I don’t know that Miriam and John were 8s, I like to think they were! 🙂 Glad you enjoyed this post!
Thanks for enlightening me more on the Ennegram 8 Type. I have an 8 friend and, must admit, sometimes our relationship was strained when she would take control and I tend to just go with the flow! But I do love how she also sees the details I do not. We are wonderfully unique and meant to work together just as God designed, aren’t we?
That’s so true, Lynn, that we are unique and meant to work as God designed. I’m glad you are able to understand your 8 friend and work together!
Such a gift to bring wisdom and light into hard places! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you Rebecca! I appreciate your kind words.
Holly, what a beautiful description of your mother’s prelude to heaven. I know you miss her greatly. My daughter is an 8. Thanks for sharing these insights.
Thanks Debbie! I do miss her but am grateful to know that we will see one another again one day!
Losing a parent is hard work. What a blessing, though, that you got to be with her and see what she glimpses of what she was seeing in that room. A peek into heaven.
I have an eight in my life and I am trying o learn more about his traits and how I can support him and how he sees the world. This was enlightening.
It was a blessing to be by her side indeed, Theresa. Glad that this post was helpful to you and good luck with your 8!!
Oh Holly … I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. I have been by my dying parents’ bedsides recently too, and although I’m not an 8, I understand the helplessness you feel when you want to do something—anything!—but can only be there. I appreciate your self-awareness so much … some people I know who may have 8 tendencies have no idea how they come across when their need for control is getting out of control! 🙂
Lois, I’m sorry for your losses too and appreciate your understanding. Thanks for your kind words!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart here, Holly. You are in my prayers today, as you are grieving the loss of your Mom. I still miss my mother, even after 11 years, it feels like it can’t be that long ago. And thanks for sharing understanding about 8’s. My husband definitely has some of those traits, and while he can be so helpful in an emergency, many family members don’t understand his adrenaline-kicking-in excitement to help! It’s something we’ve all learned to appreciate more over the years!
Bettie, so glad you and your family have learned to appreciate your husband’s 8 traits! They do come in handy sometimes. Losing a mom is hard and I appreciate everyone who has been able to empathize with my loss.
What a treat to get to listen to you here, Holly! You are missed in the blogging world. I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. It’s never an easy thing to lose the person that brought us into the world and who, for many of us, loved and nurtured us so well. My mom died 10 years ago and I still miss her and wish she were here to give me advice, just hang out together, meet my grandkids, etc.
I have friends who are Eights and they are definitely good to have around when you want someone to take control. As a Five, I share a line with Eights, which always seems strange to me because I don’t see the great traits of an Eight in me. 🙂 But I’m trying to tap more into it in times of security and embrace it. Thanks for sharing your beautiful perspective here on being an Eight!
Thanks for your kind words, Lisa. Losing someone you love is never easy. I love that the Enneagram can help us see how we move in times of stress and how we move in times of growth. That’s been helpful to me to identify those times I’m not responding like I want to!!
First of all, hugs to you, my sweet friend! I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. May the Holy Spirit continue to comfort you. I loved reading about your eightness—I admit I have med student’s syndrome when reading about the Enneagram types (I think each one describes me 😂). I need to go back and look at my test results and determine if I’m really a one 😜. I’m so glad God created us as unique individuals with strengths and areas for growth. May we learn to appreciate each other and ourselves.
Thanks Anita! Good to see you here. I’d encourage you to look back at your results and do some study. I think this tool is so helpful in understanding our motivations and helping us to see where we are acting out of our fear and not being our best selves!
Anita! Thanks for your words of comfort. I’d encourage you to go back and study your type and determine if you are that 1 (which I think is probably right!!). But I love that this tool can help us be our best selves and help us to understand and appreciate one another.
My condolences on your mother’s passing. My mother went in a similar way–she had health issues, and we knew she probably wouldn’t live til 80 or 90. But her sudden death at 67 was a shock. Though we rejoice that our loved ones are with the Lord, we miss them til we see them again.
We have a brother-in-law who is probably an eight. He’s great to have around when you need someone to take charge. But when he takes charge when it’s not needed or wanted, it’s frustrating. He and his wife view everyone else’s motives through the lens of control, because that’s their motive. But thankfully we’ve all mellowed and grown through the years. This does help me understand their mindset better.
Glad to hear that you and your family are working it out. It’s what I think is so valuable about tools like the Enneagram…they can help us understand one another better and enhance our relationships.
Holly, it’s such a gift to be reading your words again.
And I love eight energy! My theory is that when there’s an eight in the room, those of us who are threes can relax, because we know someone’s in charge.
Be sure to give yourself time to be sad over your mother’s passing. Those aggressive numbers have a hard time slowing down for feelings (Don’t ask me how I know this… ), and they have a way of catching up with us later.
Blessings to you!
Michele, thanks for your words of wisdom. It’s hard for us 8s to slow down and feel our feelings. I am going away next week for a few days and look forward to some time to process. Much love to you!
Holly! It’s so good to see you here, and it’s so refreshing to read your words again.
I’m so sorry to read about the passing of your mother. I’m saying prayers for you in the missing.
I loved reading your words about eights. I have a good friend who is an eight, and we’ve talked about this quite a bit. Reading your words give me even more good insight into who she is. Thank you for that!
Mary, I am really enjoying this series! Thanks for sharing it.
Jeanne! So good to see you here. Thank you for your prayers.
Great post Holly! What joy your mother is beholding now! You may enjoy reading my experience of heaven.
You’re most welcome in joining me in a cuppa at Tea With Jennifer.
Thank you Mary!
Bless you both,
Jennifer
Thanks Jennifer! It is a blessing to know that Mom is in heaven with Jesus!