I am excited to introduce you to my sons, Nick and Daniel, today. It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that they are both Enneagram Fours – The Individualist. It sure would have been helpful to know what I know now about fours as I was trying to figure out how to parent them. Daniel takes the lead on this post and you’ll hear from Nick at the end. Thank you for joining us today.
Had someone said to me, âHey thereâs this new personality test called the Enneagram and you should take it,â I probably would have nodded, said it sounded cool and promptly ignored the suggestion. That is not how it went for me, thankfully. When my wife and I served alongside the pastoral staff of a church in Cincinnati, we learned of the Enneagram as a way to grow as self-aware people who follow Jesus. This appealed to me greatly because I live with the conviction that we can all benefit from having some self-awareness. The funny part is, as a Four, that self-awareness is the lifeblood flowing through my veins. That desire for self-awareness and living in light of it leads to a hunger for authenticity both within myself and certainly within others. Let me paint the canvas of a Four with more clarity.
Who is the Individualist?
In some literature, a Four is called the Individualist, while other times they can be identified as the Romantic. One time, I had even heard Fours named the Bohemian, which I find hilarious, but fitting in its own way.
We Fours love to be different, sometimes eccentric. We often are the creative types in the room. There is a longing for others to see us as humans who have something unique to contribute to a project or to a community. We can even come off as melancholy here and there. Why? Because many times, we are leading with our emotions (all of them) and we empathize as best we can with the pains and the joys of the world around us. Our best work arises from those places where we have felt the hurt of sin and suffering in the world as well as the joyous celebration that comes from the Holy Spirit.
Fours are not their Emotions
One of the things I am learning over and over in my quest for authenticity and individuality is that âI am not my emotions.â My wife will even remind me of this from time to time and sheâs absolutely right. As a Four, I can sometimes only see through the lens of my emotions in that moment. Itâs so challenging to imagine that Iâm not seeing the complete picture. Honestly, that can be a scary place. Iâm learning that the truth is broader than my sight in those moments. When I want to go inwards and rely solely on my emotions, Iâm not getting the best interpretation of my situation. When I choose to submit to the wisdom of others and value what they are actually telling me, I get a much clearer sense of what is happening around me.
Today, thereâs a fine balance Iâm trying to find between hearing my emotions and heeding the wisdom of others. Admittedly, it can take me a few times to really hear my loved ones because I can also be stubborn. Nevertheless, thereâs another part of the equation that I hope is speaking louder than my emotions. It also coincides with the guidance of my closest people- PRAYER.
The Gift of Prayer
It seems obvious that Christians should pray, but it doesnât come naturally to many of us, especially me. Itâs a language, if you will, that constantly beckons us to achieve fluency. Itâs a beautiful and diverse language and itâs mysterious. Having known that Iâm an Enneagram Four a few years now, I crave prayer now more than ever. I discovered that I not only want to pray, but I want to do so whole-heartedly. I often compare this to a story in the Gospels where a Pharisee and a tax collector both go to the Temple to pray (Luke 18:9-14). The Pharisee gives this self-justifying prayer about how righteous he is and he ends by thanking God he is not like other sinners. The tax collector, on the other hand, immediately postures himself in the wrong and cries out with his need for God to do something miraculous within him.
Do you see where someone craving authenticity and transparency can only say, âYESâ in response to the tax collector? As a Four, I love this story and it provides an example that authentic, non-hurried prayer is a healthy way for me to navigate my emotions. Let me remind you that in this current digital age that is filled with distraction and supposed urgency that genuine, slow-paced prayer is something I both crave and sense that we all need. For those of you who know someone with a personality similar to a Four, guide them towards prayer as a means of being rejuvenated and filled with clarity. Not only this but be an example to those people in your life. The more a Four can witness your prayer life, the more likely they will be to adopt that practice for themselves.
Final Thoughts
In closing, I wanted to leave you all with some other ideas for interacting with Enneagram Fours in your life. Rather than giving you my exclusive take on it, I defer to another Four who also happens to be my brother Nick.
Enneagram Fours long to be authentic and to ask them to be anything less than real is crushing. #newpost #EnneaWhat #Enneagramseries #Enneagramfour #TellHisStory #linkup @dgalmighty @nickgeisen Share on XâThe challenge of being a Four and feeling like you are your emotions is brought into the spotlight when someone tells you to âstop being sad/ angry/ frustrated/ anxiousâ or âsuck it up.â What that really feels like to the Four is someone telling you to not be yourself⊠to fake it. The Four longs to be authentic and to ask them to be anything less than real is crushing. Instead of telling the Four to essentially be inauthentic, give them space to feel their emotions. If you want to help them, walk through the emotions together, lend a listening ear, or maybe shed some tears alongside them.â
If I could sum up what gives life to a Four beyond authenticity, I would offer you the word Presence. Donât just do or tell– Be present. This will vastly improve your relationships with Fours and perhaps give you a chance to receive some of their creativity and empathy.
I love all I learned today from my sons. Do you resonate with the personality of a four? Share in the comments.
If you missed any of the Enneagram series, Click HERE, HERE, and HERE to catch up.
And if you are looking for more information on the Enneagram, catch my friend, Lisa Burgess’ series at Lisa Notes.
Daniel Geisen is a husband to Kayla and father to Jack. He loves writing, reading, and is currently the Pastor of Central Church of Christ in Cincinnati, Ohio. Nick Geisen is a husband to Alli. He is a musician, writer, lover of technology and is the owner/founder of Quill and Cape Media.
I’m loving this! I hosted a book club a few months back going through The Road Back to You (which is a great intro to the Enneagram!) I also really enjoying hearing from a male perspective! What a great series!
Thanks for stopping by, Karrilee! I am loving this series too. It is fun hearing from some of my favorite writers about their Enneagram numbers. I also enjoyed that my sons agreed to write about the Enneagram Four. It’s good catching a glimpse into how a male approaches their Enneagram number.
Daniel and Jack, thank you for this insight into fours. Special take-aways for me are to remember we are not our emotions. And to be authentic and allow our emotions to come through, even if someone says to “suck it up.” Love and blessings to you, Mary, and to your family!
Thanks, Trudy! I pray you can continue to see God at work through each emotion!
Daniel and Nick, it was really fun to connect with you in this space! What a gift that you shared your insights on your dear mom’s blog! This was eye-opening for me too. I have some close friends who fit your descriptions here, and this helps me be a better friend!
Iâm really encouraged by your words here, Stacey! The enneagram has really opened my eyes not only to my personality, but also my family and friendsâ personalities too. Blessings!
I think the 4 is what I most relate to. This helped.
I pray you continue to discern what God is teaching you about yourself.
What a great way to understand each person in the family! Thanks for sharing!
It was a really cool post to write, Amy. Itâs fun and encouraging to collaborate with family on this!
I found learning about fours fascinating. And the advice about dealing with our emotions I think would be helpful for so many people. We want to heed our emotions but, but they are not always the compass to follow.
Yes! Emotions are a good indicator of what God may be teaching us, but they canât be our exclusive guide/compass.
Your mama heart must be full of joy Mary to have such amazing sons!
Bless you,
Jennifer
Wow this is really encouraging, Jennifer! Itâs an honor to write for my momâs blog here!
I find all of these thoughts – throughout this series – to be so interesting and intriguing. Thanks to your sons for joining you and being willing to share some insights!
Itâs my joy to share some of my experience and I hope itâs helpful to others!
Mary, the four sounds like my son. I appreciate this insight from your two.
Glad to share some experience of being a 4!
Wow … that first paragraph under the “Fours are not their Emotions” was eye-opening to me as I think about how I can better help one of my teenage daughters process life and pray for her as she grows into adulthood. Using prayer as a way to navigate your emotions also makes a lot of sense. Thanks so much for sharing today!
I hope your daughter can navigate that well as you teach her to pray through her emotions! It has been essential to me. Blessings!
Great insights from Daniel and Nick on “4”. I’m a 5 with a wing6 but reading this I see a bit of 4 in my wings!!!
Itâs all about discernment! Most days I think Iâm a wing 5 or as I like to say, Iâm a 4 wing 4!
Such an insightful look at Fours! My wing is a 4, so I relate to much of this myself, especially the part about feeling all the emotions. I have to remind myself, too, that I am not what I feel. I love Nick’s advice too to not tell 4s (or anyone!) to stop feeling what they feel; it never has helped me when someone tells me to stop feeling sad, anxious, etc. And sometimes it even makes it worse.
Nickâs advice was honestly my favorite part of this post. He really drove it home with clarity!
Thank you for sharing these thoughts today! I also appreciated your thoughts from a man’s perspective. My husband definitely has a lot of those tendecies and so do our sons. It’s such a help to ask the Lord to help us be aware of how those we care about our feeling and seeing things. Blessings to you!
Itâs so interesting to be an emotional type as a man, especially in a Western culture, but Iâm finding more and more that it allows me to empathize well with others when Iâm healthy. I pray your husband and sons can be encouraged to empathize with the joys and pains of others too!
Thank you for sharing your insights into the Enneagram. Self-awareness is something we, as Christians, should be concerned with. I enjoyed reading how learning your Enneagram number made you crave deep, heartfelt prayer more than ever.
It not only caused me to crave prayer more, but it made me realize I NEED prayer! That has helped me immensely seeing it as a need. Thank you for your words here!
Interesting! It was great to learn about hoe four’s can be driven by their emotions. I ove how God places the peiople in our live to bring out what we need like Daniel’s wife reminding him that he is not his emotions. đ God is good!
God is so good and my wife has been incredible in helping me navigate that truth!
I have a 4 wing and it helps me to understand my 4 son a bit better.
Thank you, guys, for the clarity you have brought to your number.
So glad to share! Thanks for your response!
Daniel, Nick, and Mary,
Thanks for sharing this insightful look at #4’s (not that you are only defined by a number). My son follows in your footsteps. Interesting because your mom and I are both #2’s. I appreciated you put words to your feelings and giving me an inside glimpse as to what makes you tick and what you are looking for in life. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being uniquely YOU!
Blessings,
Bev
I appreciate your encouragement of naming us as uniquely who we are! 4s love that encouragement! Thank you so much and blessings to you as you grow in knowing your son better as a 4!
Thanks for letting us see inside the heart of a four đ. I love that everyone in your family knows their number and uses that knowledge to better understand each other. I think our eldest daughter might be a four (or have a strong four wing). Your experience helps me see how I can better come alongside her.
Thatâs exactly why we contributed here! Itâs refreshing to receive clarity and to share experience as well! I pray you continue to see ways you can bless your daughter and help her navigate being a 4!
I loved reading about “fours” and especially from a man’s perspective, as it broadens mine. I also enjoyed the suggestion on how to come alongside of fours. There is so much we can both glean and deposit into one another. This post will have me thinking today on how much we all need one another. The Church Body brings a much needed diversity so all of us grow into the fullness of Christ and His purposes for our lives. Thank you, Daniel and Nick, and Mary – for sharing your sons with us all. Blessings!
This is very encouraging, Joanne! Thank you! Youâre absolutely right that the church reveals our need for each other in all of our personalities and gifts!
What wonderful insights into Enneagram fours. I love reading this from a man’s perspective too. As I read, it made me wonder if one of my sons is a four.
I’m curious, do you think the desire for authenticity is a stronger driver for fours than other numbers on the Enneagram?
You know, itâs tough to say that a 4âs desire for authenticity is stronger than others, but it matters a lot to us! In my view, it happens to be one of the things we crave in friendships. It also helps us make decisions about how we approach relationships.
Thanks for asking a great question!